I haven't posted in a while. To be honest, it has been a "searching" month. And when you're searching, you're a little lost. And when you're lost (unless you've purposely gotten lost), there's nothing conclusive to say. Instead, you have a ton of questions: Have I found the way? How did I get here? Will I ever find what I'm looking for? Will I ever get home? Such questions, however, are necessary and healthy in a Christian's life. Otherwise, without such questions, I think we would be susceptible to "playing" church and "practicing" religion--this having nothing to do with knowing and having friendship with God.

There were many moments this past month when I'd pray and I'd find myself alone in the dark without any answer. It is hard to explain, but the answer is always there. God is always with you, but there is a process and a journey everyone takes to understanding, believing, seeing, and changing. Take Jesus' disciples, for example, and the process and journey each one took to understanding the cross. I think of Peter and how incredibly lost he must have felt after disowning Jesus (see Luke 22). He "went outside and wept bitterly" (22:62). The darkness had closed in on him, he felt unworthy to even pray. And even if he prayed, at the height of his emotion, could he hear God's words "I love you"?

All this to say, it's hard to pray sometimes. And that's okay, church. Hopefully dark moments in our prayer lives are an indication of a true relationship with Christ, unlike the automatic chants and prayers of religion. Perhaps, like Peter, you've experienced trauma (or something difficult) in your life and there's no way you think you'll hear from God. Ironically rest assured God will use such moments of your life to "reinstate" you--draw you deeper into his purposes--like he does with Peter.

At the end of the book of John, Jesus asks Peter, "Do you love me?" I wonder how Peter felt, having first betrayed him and second having thought that Jesus had left for good. In spite of that, Peter says yes.

This wasn't a trick question. Jesus wanted Peter to understand him more. Jesus goes on to say, "then feed my sheep" and "follow me"--as if Peter had never served people or followed him to begin with. And you know what, perhaps Peter hadn't. This is what I was talking about earlier, the process and journey of understanding, believing, and seeing God and changing from it. This is the process and change: perhaps Peter had loved Christ by conviction, loved the idea of him, loved hanging out with him--maybe even loved the idea that he'd bring down the Roman empire--but until now Peter hadn't known what it means to be loved by Christ.

Dear brothers and sisters, when you are loved by Christ, there is a renewal in understanding who he is, a renewal in your prayers and your ministry, and a new meaning to following him and feeding his sheep.